Is there a pause button on this thing?

Once upon a time a beautiful, young maiden had a lovely blog. She cherished this blog. She updated it regularly, took it to play at the park, and even changed its occasional messy diaper. This fair maiden vowed that nothing would ever keep her apart from her blog and that she would never become one of those despicable bloggers who have a blog only in namesake. But alas, summer turned to fall, fall turned to winter, winter eventually turned to spring, and this disheartened lass discovered that she had somehow neglected her blog so unforgivably. She couldn't stop thinking about all the poor and lost souls in the blogosphere who had dedicated all of their time and effort to reading her blog posts and had now given up on the once credible blogger. She sobbed gushing streams of steaming tears into her pillow and could only muster the courage to publish one more post. And then she probably lives happily ever after. The end.

OBVIOUSLY my obsession with blogging has (understatement) dwindled. On my huge long list of things to do, blogging is dead last. I'M CHANGING MY LIFE YOU KNOW! So this is not farewell, good riddance, or what have you, but only an "I'll be back later"...maybe...type thing. I reserve the right to re-commence my blogging if and whenever I so choose. I just felt dumb leaving everyone hanging on my "It's January" post, when I'm sure you would all check back and scream, "NO, it's NOT, you IDIOT!" And no hard feelings, I deserved it.

Feel free to get your "I'M DYING FOR A MELISSA FIX" at morechinsthanachinesephonebook.blogspot.com.

It's January

And once again I suck at blogging. Insert all of the same excuses, yada, yada, yada and let's move on. I've been feeling like it's my duty to write some awe-inspiring, comical, mind-blowing, all encompassing Christmas/New Year's post and I just haven't mustered the energy, so until then (let's face it, it's probably not happening) I had a wonderful break.

But want to hear a funny story? I thought so. A few days ago I was buying some wrapping paper at the local Dollar Tree. Apparently all Christmas wrapping paper is immediately hidden away after Christmas because I was purchasing a lovely, but neutral, floral print. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans" often give late Christmas gifts and stores could profit from this human folly. Maybe I'll bring this up with Sam Walton or whoever the lucky business man is who founded Dollar Tree.

Leave it to me to make a short story way too long. So...after grappling with the decision to go with the more hip and energetic daisy print or the more formal and elegant rose print, I brought my daisy paper up to the checkout. You might have to go back in your mind a bit to your math days, but picture this, I set the tube down so that it was perpendicular to the counter, thusly:

But it was sticking too far out for my comfort so I pushed the whole thing forward...smack dab into the crotch of the young checkout boy. He squealed and I vomited up some kind of ridiculous apology. We didn't talk for the remainder of the checkout process and I booked it out of there so fast I'm pretty sure I left tread marks. Thank you to the awkward situations god because I'm completely convinced there is one. This can't be the first time this has happened, I mean, maybe cashiers should be required to wear cups nowadays. Too many job hazards and too many potential lawsuits.

Speaking of racism

Learning about Christmas traditions from around the world is all fun and games until some country goes and gets all racist with the most joyous holiday of the year. I mean, if people still think Americans are crazy racist they should scooch on over across the Atlantic and check out Holland. We have a black president, they have an evil Santa's sidekick named Black Pete who chases naughty children around with a stick. I'm just saying. There's jolly old white Sinter Klaas who brings joy and good-tidings to all, and the menacing Black Pete who brings nothing but terror and a whooping. You better watch out.

I was so excited when it was Holland's turn because of the shoes and whatnot, but to my dismay Holland has another darker, more racist Christmas tradition that apparently is more hush-hush than the innocent filling of the wooden shoe with toys and goodies. I felt racist just coloring this fella...and teaching my kids about him...and watching as they all colored him. Sorry Black Pete, I'm sure you're not all that bad. You might want to reconsider the hair-due. Just a little advice.

Speaking of racism, this story would be funny if it was anyone of any race, but he was asian, so it's a little funnier. At the gym this morning I was minding my own business, doing my thang on the treadmill, when my neighbor to the right starts pounding his chest and forcing some strange noise out of his throat. He kept jacking up his speed and incline, which induced more fits of chest pounding and raucous grunting. I didn't know whether to laugh or pretend I didn't notice, so I kinda did both...an awkward combination.

Picture either one of these, but more asian.

And Holland still has me beat!

What are you thankful for?

That is the question I posed to my little first graders last week in preparation for our Thanksgiving art project. We made cornucopias and on each piece of food that went inside they had to write one thing that they were thankful for. I was expecting the normal list of family, friends, food, clothes, houses, etc. and yes, I got those responses (which are wonderful and true and exactly the things that I am grateful for), but our class list just kept growing and growing and they showed no signs of running out of ideas. I almost stopped the discussion when I judged that their ideas were getting a little silly and that they were raising their hands with these random things just to be funny, but when I looked into their faces and listened to their voices, I saw and heard genuine sincerity with every item. What a marvelous thing it must be to look at the world through the eyes of a 6-year-old and to be so unabashedly grateful for the sky, the grass, shoelaces, backpacks, Pokemon, water, rocks, books, tables, forks, street signs, headbands, and pencils. Because really when you think about it, we should be honestly and sincerely thankful for every little thing that makes our lives easier, safer, more enjoyable, more comfortable, more connected, more free.

I'm grateful for God's beautiful children who help me everyday to be a better human being. And aren't they just adorable in their Thanksgiving outfits?!
I'm especially grateful for this little guy who was sent from Heaven to join our family!! Look at that face!!! I never thought I could look at a baby all day and never get bored. LOVE HIM!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Financial drainage

Remember how a month or two back I briefly mentioned that I had to take my precious minivan to Pep Boys because it was making some funky noise and ended up spending 500 buckaroos? Not that I expect you to store every word that I say in your long-term memory, but it just so happens to be relevant here. And remember how a month or two before that I got stranded in American Fork because my precious minivan died and needed a new battery, which apparently I got ripped off on, both points being relevant here.? (Do I use a question mark in that grammatical situation or a period? I can never decide. It's probably just a horrible run-on sentence. So sorry about that.)

Lo and behold, the aforementioned precious minivan began making some funky noises uhhhgain! As you know I'm forcing the thing down to California this week for Thanksgiving, and as I woke up this morning all I could hear was my dad in my head saying, "If your car is ever making any noise or driving any different, take it somewhere to be looked at!" Always the dutiful Daddy's girl (and not wanting to die en route to Thanksgiving bliss) I pulled on in to Big O' Tires this morning. I figured a change of venue might be nice. Let it be known that I HATE going to car places because I know jack squat about cars and I feel like a total idiot trying to describe what's wrong.

"Well...ummm...it's making some noise like this 'RRrrrrrrr, RRRRRRRrrrrrrr, rrrrrRRRR!"

Turns out they had some coupon for a full car inspection, oil change, tire rotation, all fluids filled type thing, and they offered me that because frankly they probably had no clue what I was talking about...neither did I. I took it because my car could use all that other junk too I'm sure. They say "45 minutes" and I take myself over to the mall. Bad idea.

I'm just walking around, window shopping, humming along to the jolly Christmas music streaming through the sound system when this lovely Israelian girl (I didn't know she was from Israel, she told me) asked me if I had a second. Well, it just so happens that I did. She sits me down in this chair, takes out my bun (my hair is NEVER not in a bun), and proceeds to give me this full-on hair makeover. She straightens it all out, then curls it, then straightens it, just to show me the wonders of the Herstyler straightener. We're chatting and having a grand time. She thought I was 16. No joke. We just became regular old pals. So when she told me they were only 200 dollars and I was trying to peace-out gracefully, she offered me her discount because I was such a nice girl. Only for me?! Well, isn't that swell. So she offers me "the greatest price ever," only 110 dollars plus tax. I'm still trying to decline because honestly I DO NOT wear my hair down. I straighten my hair once in a blue moon and do just fine with my 10 dollar WalMart version. So she comes at me with the damage I'm doing to my hair with a cheapo one and the warranty and the this and that and I just CAVED!!! I ALWAYS CAVE!!

Somehow I got a green one. I didn't even care. I just wanted to pay for the thing and get outta there. As soon as I was out of eye-shot, I pulled my hair back up into a bun because it was bothering me!! I think I honestly have issues with hair being on me.

Around this time I get a call from the Big O and they tell me I'm in desperate need of two new tires, which was probably what was causing the "RRRRRRrrrrr" sound. I gotta have tires. Alrighty then, stick them on. About 20 more minutes they say. So I walked outside in the freezingness and all the way around the mall so I wouldn't have to walk past the dang straightener kiosk girl and I went back into Maceys to wait for the phone call.

It didn't come. For two hours I sat there. Yes, in an enjoyable massage chair, but REALLY?!! Two hours?! This gave me time to research Herstyler on my phone and I found almost 99% negative reviews. "They're all scam artists from Israel with crappy products that break in a few months and always move so that you can never get a replacement...yada, yada, yada" Just great. I'm used to this by now, but still. Now I'm mad and annoyed so I called the Big O and they said, "Oh, your car has been ready for almost two hours. I guess someone forgot to call you." Yeah, I guess.

The moral of the story is, I probably could've been investing in a newer car by now, I'm the biggest sucker alive, and Big O' Tires wasted two hours of my day. None of those things are morals, but you get my drift.

PS. I'm super grateful to have a car!! Really, I am!! Thanks Dad!

Happy literal birthday TJ!

There he is!! My beautiful, adorable, sweet, stinking cute, little nephew! He was so excited to come into the world that he decided to come early, and we're so glad he did! I get to meet and snuggle the little man in one week!

Congratulations Lainer and Markie! You're going to be the most incredible parents! And I'm going to be the most incredible aunt...but that goes without saying.

Welcome to the world my love!

It was supposed to be a surprise

BUT I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!

I've been working on this blanket for my nephew for quite a while and I finally finished it! I'm just so stinking proud of my craftiness that I had to share!

I can't wait to meet little Tyler John in just a couple of weeks (he better get here on time)! Talk about a happy Thanksgiving!

All hand-stitched...took a freaking lifetime, but worth it!
Tyler John Andreasen! John after my dad's middle name, so perfect!
The backside.
There it is! The cutest blanket you've ever seen in your life!